Loneliness vs Solitude

I have thought about writing about this common challenge for migrants for a long time. I have held back on it because it does not really affect me. But then, recent "reminders" made me decide to pen down my thoughts.

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On Friday 6th July after school, I chatted with my classmate KS while she was waiting for her bus. In preparation for a busy 2nd semester, KS had sent her 2 children back to India to be care for by their grandparents. Now that our previous surgery clinical is completed, we have a few weeks break from clinical (i.e. we only have classes to attend in school) before the practicum starts (i.e. next round of clinical). Thus, our workload is much lighter currently and we have more "free" days. KS remarked that without her children around and with her husband working (8 hour shifts plus 2-3 hours travelling back-and-forth), she is not used to being alone and often felt lonely outside of school. She had been advised to do the same activities, that she used to do with others, on her own. Nevertheless, she still finds it a big adjustment and is not comfortable with going solo.

Last Friday 13th July after school, I chatted with another classmate D (from the other subgroup) while we walked to the bus-stop and she waited for her bus. D shared that she just got married a few months before she left The Philippines to attend the GNIE course. Her husband is still in The Philippines and she missed him badly. D faced some challenges in convincing her husband to relocate to Canada with her, and thus D had to cope on her own here. Coincidentally, D had originally arranged with KS to visit the CRNBC library together after school that day. However, KS did not turn up for class today, so D was undecided what to do that afternoon. Once again D brought up the issue of loneliness.

While D was sharing about her marriage, she asked me how old I was. To which I replied my usual, "Guess?" D guessed that I am in my 20's and advised me to date and get married soon, not to wait until so late like her -- only to be married in her mid-30's. I didn't tell D my actual age, just laughed away. Then D asked me if I have a boyfriend and if so, I should talk to him about getting married soon. I jokingly replied, "Hmm, which one?" and laughed.

On Saturday 14th July, I hung out with a new friend HW from PRC. HW and her family migrated to Canada and resided in Calgary, Alberta some years ago. She has already obtained her Canadian citizenship. Thereafter, her husband decided to bring the whole family (i.e. HW, hubby and their son) back to China because of the better job prospects there. Almost a month ago, HW returned to Canada -- this time residing in Metro Vancouver -- as the vanguard for her family's eventual return to Canada. HW asked me if I ever feel lonely. I replied her honestly, "No." HW then shared that she felt bored all alone. I remembered what KS told me 2 Fridays ago and suggested to HW to do the same things on her own that she would otherwise do with others. HW then said that it wasn't fun doing stuff alone. I told her that I found it ok, I would do stuff -- grocery shopping, going to the movies, etc -- on my own.

HW asked if I have any boyfriend or am dating currently as she wanted to introduce someone to me. I told her honestly that I was not looking and I will leave it to fate, citing “有缘千里来相会。” [i.e. "If fate decrees, those fated will meet despite being 1000's of miles apart."] She then asked me wouldn't I like to have someone to be with me. I told her honestly that I am used to “我行我素”, i.e. doing what I like, whenever I like. 

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Anyway, the 3 persons above are not the only migrants I have met who cited loneliness as an issue. Even male migrants have complained to me about loneliness. Thus, I think that loneliness is an important issue that potential migrants should consider in their S.W.O.T. analysis when planning for migration.

In my case, loneliness is not an issue.

This is partly because I make friends/acquaintances easily. E.g. I became friends with PN after chatting with her at the Singapore Police Cantonment Complex while we were both applying for our CNCC (Certificate of No Criminal Conviction). E.g. I became friends with HC after my email application to be her tenant fell through. E.g. I became friends with JX (ZS's wife) and GC after meeting them at a job interview. E.g. I became friends with JL after I met her grandmother by chance because of a disruption in the train service. E.g. I became friends with HW after a chance meeting on the bus.

Another reason is that I recognize and feel that socializing takes effort. E.g. I agree with this blog which cited sleepover as a "cognitively demanding" activity. In some cases, the effort is either necessary (due to social norms) or worth the rewards. In other cases, I sometimes catch myself -- in the midst of a social event -- wondering if I wouldn't be happier being alone.

A major reason is that I am born an introvert. [Note: You probably wouldn't know from my professional interactions because I have learned to adapt to an "extroverted" world.] Often living inside my head is more important than what happens with the world out there. E.g. I enjoy talking to my soft-toys. [Yes, I am still a kid at heart!] E.g. I can spend the whole day surfing the internet and reading blogs, and still not be bored because I enjoy reading, analyzing and reflecting on matters.

Finally, I enjoy observing the world. I could while away the hours just observing the numerous mundane stuff around me -- especially if I don't have to rush off for appointments. E.g. I am actually fascinated by the shadows dancing rhythmically on the escalator steps in the video below.

[Note: Sorry about the horizontal tilt, 

I don't know how to rotate a video.]

Combined together, the above factors turn (what others would consider) "the pain of loneliness" into "the joy of solitude" for me. This has been true for me since young. In short, loneliness is not a problem for me. Nevertheless, I recognize that it may be a challenge for other migrants.