Ups and Downs

In our final GNIE semester, we covered mental health. I want to share this excellent BBC documentary that explores the bipolar disorder.

Stephen Fry - The Secret Life Of The Manic Depressive - Part 1

Stephen Fry - The Secret Life Of The Manic Depressive - Part 2

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Early last month (November), after one of our team meetings, AP, PY and I were gossiping idly as usual. We had just covered our mental health topic at school recently. PY, who had several years of mental health nursing experience, started to "diagnose" some of the people we know mutually. She was spot-on, both AP and I agreed with her.

Somewhere along the way, I mentioned that I may have some symptoms of bipolar. PY went, "You? Bipolar? Impossible!"

I countered, "Why not? I know I had been depressed before*, although never clinically diagnosed -- simply because I wasn't even sound enough to go see the doctor. I don't get manic episodes, but I suspect that I may have hypomania sometimes." [*Note: Albeit the depressive episode was almost 15 years ago, and I have never hit that rock bottom since.]

PY went, "No, not possible. X is bipolar but not you. You're doing so well at school."

AP disagreed with her. AP had spent more time than PY with both X and me. 

IMHO, thanks to my intellect, I am able to harness the optimism and increased energy (symptoms of hypomania), while ring-fencing its undesirable effects. 

It helps that I am financially disciplined. Even when I splurge, I keep myself within my "splurge allowance". I guess it helps that I am excellent with numbers and I track my daily expenses with a spreadsheet. E.g. Unlike X who whips out his credit card and go on a shopping spree (whether at the malls or online) when mania strikes, I shop at places that would not bring me to financial ruin, limit myself to quantities that I can physically carry on public transport, and keep within my "splurge allowance". E.g. AP occasionally goes supermarket groceries shopping with me. Once she told me to "put back" items that I didn't need immediately, although I could well afford those additional items. E.g. Every now and then I would buy too much food and other items, and only give them away. [That said, I am happy to give the stuff away, especially to the food bank, charities and/or my refugee friends.] E.g. Whenever I feel the "shop-till-I-drop" mood, I would try to keep myself busy at home. If that fails, I avoid shopping at the malls and head towards places like Value Village (a thrift store), Dollarama (a penny store) and The Real Canadian Superstore (a mid-range supermarket). After all, at the thrift stores, one can still experience the highs of finding a good bargain (i.e. enjoy "retail therapy") without going into the red. Plus, it takes a lot more time to sort through the "second life" items to find a good buy at the thrift stores, and thus limiting the quantity of purchase. [That said, I ever found some good quality finds at thrift stores like Value Village. E.g. I have a grey cashmere turtleneck that both JX and EM touched admiringly, asking me where I bought it. They were surprised when I told them, with EM remarking that she must make a trip to Value Village someday.]  

I think that it also helps that I was trained in acting. Thus, even when I feel blue, I am able to do the minimal socializing necessary to function and to meet my roles and responsibilities. After all, "all the world's a stage". Of course, I would prefer to withdraw to my comfy room/bed and/or to the library. Why spread one's misery when the world already has enough problems? Indeed, sometimes I prevent myself from sharing my misery even when asked, because I know from life experience that my blues will and do turnaround.

IMHO, it also helps that unlike PY, when it comes to sexual needs, I find Doing-It-Yourself as good as intercourse. Frankly, I do enjoy my solitude, thus dating is not high on my priority list. In short, the risks associated with hypersexuality (in many people with hypomania) is not an issue for me.

In fact, the last time a couple of mood swings happened was in November. I stopped blogging for a couple of weeks -- the brain kept hurtling on, while the body became slow/impasse (because the body felt that the brain may change its mind again soon enough). Interestingly though, since I paid more attention to my moods, I even felt a "click-click" in my brain once while standing along a supermarket aisle -- one moment feeling an urge to buy all the available options of take-away containers, and the next moment (after the "click-click") rationalizing that I had more than enough to meet my current needs. I had another of those "click-click" moments again in late-November.

PY was still unconvinced of my self-diagnosis. She then suggested that I could consult a family doctor (GP) to ask for an assessment and, if needed, a psychiatric referral/treatment and social support while I am still considered "low-income". I replied, as PY knows, that since psychiatric drugs are only symptomatic treatment and tend to have a lot of undesirable side effects, I would prefer not to seek intervention, especially since I am (seen to be) functional. [Note: Psychiatric diagnosis is often an art rather than a science. "To a degree that interferes with the functions of ordinary life" often becomes a defining line upon which the decision to treat is based.]

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An interesting article from Yahoo!, "Does childhood stress stay with you for your whole life?"