Death of a clinically depressed

The 10th anniversary of the death of one of Hong Kong's beloved star (singer and actor) is just around the corner. Here is a song from Leslie Cheung's posthumous album.

張國榮 - 玻璃之情
[Leslie Cheung - Glass relations]

I first fell in love with his voice and music from some theme songs from his movies.

張國榮 - 今生今世


張國榮 - 追

According to Leslie Cheung's suicide note, he did so because he found depression unbearable. Just as one cannot tell a person's sexual orientation by just looking at him/her, one also cannot tell another person's mental health and/or the life challenges that he/she is currently facing just by looking at him/her.

E.g. The second most miserable period in my life was during my secondary school days (Canadian middle school). My parents were in the throes of mid-life crisis, alternating between "cold war" and quarrelling day-to-day (with the occasional objects in levitation). I was often kept awake at night, between my parents' middle-of-night outbursts and racing thoughts of worst case scenarios. The chronic lack of sleep (over a 2 year period when the crisis peaked) took its toil on me. I was often late for school and struggled to stay awake in class -- both of which are evidenced by comments from classmates' autographs on my tardiness and drowsiness with some wondering what I was up-to at night. I think a few teachers suspected that we had some family issues since both my elder sister and I (yup, we went to the same branded school) wrote about similar stuff in our confidential start-of-school-year essay assignments about ourselves. Otherwise, no one in school really knew what I was going through. Thankfully, I managed to pass all my examinations (doing well for a few of them), except for one red mark (i.e. E8 for Additional Mathematics in semester one during my secondary 4 year). Ironically, here are some descriptions of me from my secondary school autograph books: jovial, joyous, cheerful, always smiling, easy-going, happy-go-lucky, very optimistic, "lightens one up" and "brightens up the day". 

[My schoolmates also commented that they found me: smart, "can always think of idea(s) which no one can think of", brainy, eager-to-learn, very curious, sporting and plucky, your courage, interesting, exciting, cute, adorable, comical, blur, nice, kind, warm, helpful, responsible 有责任感, too responsible, most obliging, motherly, always fully equipped, generous, magnificent and great partner (in the lab), amiable, affable, 友善 friendly, loyal, good friend, close friend, nice company, "cherish your company", quiet, "caring and concerned", considerate, care for the feelings of others, sensitive, understanding 体凉别人, stubborn, very firm in your decision, sticking to your own beliefs and principles 坚持自己的原则, fighting spirit 不向困难低头, determined 有恒心, confidence, "something different (but) I like you to be what you are", with "idiosyncrasies", your [my] patience, too critical and sarcastic, "you pass sarcastic remarks", frank and outspoken, long-winded, 太直爽 ["too direct and easy-going"], soft and gentle, "posses compassion and a certain measure of wisdom", "doesn't mind to reveal(ing) your [my] own bad-points", and "can draw quite well".
Yes, I guess I was and probably still am all of the above.]

[Note, some also wrote: "my 1st impression of you was 'Eeyaks!'", childish, childlike manner, "at times... rather grouchy", irritating, "behaviour and ways are quite irritating", "I felt very irritated by your quite silly jokes", you "laughed about real silly jokes", "you seem to talk on everything mentioned, some of which are not necessary", "motivation to win, no matter what!!!", (over the years) you-have-become/I-found-you (a bit) "more tolerable", "do change / grow up to be a 'better' girl", "always talk about things which I do not understand", "you only go talk about silly things", "you can make more friends in a week by being interested in them than ten years by trying to get them interested in you", "exceptionally slow and cautious in doing everything", "you work the hardest" (in the ECA group), "gave me the impression of an industrious student... perhaps it is because of your spectacles and your bookworm-ish look", "you express your views openly and in the process you may hurt or irritate someone", "you've taught me certain things which I was never aware of before, whether you know it or not.", "I feel that if I am given enough (extra) time to know you better and I know I am not going to regret it".
So you see, I had a hard time fitting-in socially, although one wouldn't suspect it if one meets me today. In fact, I suspect my own teenage challenges made me a particularly effective listening ear to my vulnerable teenage charges during my voluntary days.]

There are seemingly highly functional persons who crash "suddenly" for "no reason". [Click here for an example where the inflexibility of policy administrators pushed a bright young man to take his own life.] Sometimes we stand-by and watch as others gang-up to bully someone because target "can take it", "should be able to take a joke" or "was merely reaping what he had sown". As I grow older, I find myself less and less willing to be a silent target and/or a silent observer from which bullies draw their power (social cachet). After all, we will never know what may be the last straw that breaks a camel's back.

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As for myself, I take time-out alone whenever I feel my stress building or my mood swinging. In addition, despite the frequent encouragement from kind friends to go further (ambition or career-wise), I avoid over-stretching myself because I just want to live a simple life. I have no wish to shine brightly only to crash like a supernova. [Note: This is where I have changed since my teen, for one secondary schoolmate wrote back in the 1980's, "you aim too high and whenever you could not attain your goal, you will get very unhappy."]

CRNBC removes IEN Canadian Reference Requirement

This is for the internationally-educated nurses (IENs) who visit my blog. Further to my previous blog post, CRNBC has release an official announcement on the removal of the Canadian Reference Requirement (i.e. after working 250 hours with a Canadian employer) for all IENs.

CRNBC webpage regarding removal of Canadian Reference Requirement for all IENs

That should reduce some of the complaints one see in nursing forums regarding the barriers to entry. [Click here and here for examples.]

Volunteer Options

I have been mulling over my volunteer options recently. While I was in Singapore, I had volunteered for around a decade between a teenaged girls' shelter and the Children's Cancer Foundation. [Click here and here.] But I had to quit volunteering by the mid-2000's due to the ridiculous demand that my I.T. management made on my time.

Before I launch right into rebuilding my career in Canada, I would like to commit myself to some volunteer assignments. After all, I would like to live a balanced life by allocating my time between:

• Work (e.g. working as a registered nurse when I receive a job offer), 
• Personal pursuits (e.g. getting a B.C. driving licence and learning French), 
• Voluntary service to the community (see more below), 
• Social time (e.g. hanging out with friends and social groups), 
• Leisure time (e.g. catching movies, dabbling in creativity/arts, blogging, surfing the internet, simply lazing around and watching the world go by).

The thing is, given my broad range of interests, it is really hard for me to decide which areas and what projects to volunteer for. 

That said, I had once volunteered for a televised fund raising event with a Vancouver-based ethnic/cultural group. However, I have decided not to volunteer with them going forward because I would prefer to be serving a wider community (i.e. not limited by linguistic/cultural demarcation). 

Here some options that I have thought of.

1. Vancouver Arts Gallery. I volunteered recently for the Family FUSE Weekend. It was a busy but fulfilling day. Plus Sherry, the Volunteer Coordinator, was really friendly, supportive and encouraging.
2. Theatre production groups. I have been involved on-and-off in a couple of Vancouver theatre productions during my 2+ years here. In fact, between 16th to 23rd Mar-2013, I volunteered at several shows for a fabulous theatre production in downtown Vancouver. Theatre always holds a special place in my heart because of its impact on my life.
3. MOSAIC immigration settlements services "Host - Culture Connections". I have previously spoken with the co-ordinator for the "Host - Culture Connections" programme, the chances of me being accepted as a host is pretty high.
4. MOSAIC immigration settlements services "Workplace Connections Mentoring Program" (after I have eased into an RN job). Last month (Feb-2013), I had an opportunity to meet and share my experience of returning to nursing with some IENs (internationally educated nurses) who were taking a professional-English course at Kwantlen. Given my experience as an IEN who has undergone CRNBC's SEC (Substantially Equivalent Competency assessment), Kwantlen's GNIE nursing re-entry program (Graduate Nurse, Internationally Educated re-entry program), passed the CRNE (Canadian Registered Nurse Exam) and obtained my B.C. nursing registration; other newly arrived IENs may be interested in my experience. 
5. Joining groups that support vulnerable populations. In 2011 and 2012, I had the privilege of sitting in (as a trusted guest, thanks to the reputation of the group I represented) at a couple of sharing sessions run by an LBGT refugee support group. That started me thinking about working/volunteering with vulnerable-population support-groups. On a separate note, I made a donations-in-kind at the Downtown Eastside Women's Centre recently. I arrived late in the afternoon (almost closing time) on a grey and gloomy Vancouver day. The moment I stepped through the entrance, I was struck by the contrast between the weather outside and the buzz inside. I immediately felt that it was a place that was providing important support to this vulnerable population. That got me thinking once again about volunteering with these or other similar groups.
6. [Addendum on 25-Mar-2013 as per suggestion by reader Chrono, see comments below.] Urban farming or sustainability groups. My late-paternal grandfather was a poor farmer in China before he travelled to Singapore (南洋 Nanyang) to make a living. I think it would be an interesting completion of a cycle if I do pick up farming skills. As for sustainability, my friend EM works on sustainability design with an architect firm. I always thought that her work is very interesting and meaningful. I am somewhat guarded with regards to environmentalist groups though, mainly because I do not feel comfortable with the aggressive, confrontational, media-attention-seeking and sometimes destructive approach taking by groups such as PETA. 我不想做个不合理的人。 [I don't want to be an unreasonable person.]
7. Ad-hoc volunteer services that utilize my linguistic, computer, nursing and/or other skills. E.g. Becoming an Emergency Volunteer. Within a month of landing in Canada, I sought to volunteer with various groups since I heard that it was a good way to network and become integrated into the Canadian society. My first application was turned down because I was "too new" in Canada and I was advised to apply again when I became more "settled down" (e.g. at least 3-6 months later). Another of my application proceeded past the point of Criminal Record Check and I was called up for a final follow-up interview to determine my actual volunteer placement assignment. A day before the follow-up interview I received a call that my interview has been postponed due to the interviewer going on an unplanned extended leave. Thus, I was advised to wait some months until the replacement was available and had adjusted into his/her new job. I did not follow-up with that volunteer opportunity.

As you can tell from the above, I am pretty much undecided at the moment. That said, over brunch on Sunday (yesterday) with a social group, I have just committed myself to playing a part in organizing a regional gathering to be held next year (2014). 

GNIE: Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

As recently as between 12th to 19th Mar-2013, when my cohort of GNIE graduates received our CRNE result notification from the CRNBC, we were reminded of our outstanding requirement towards finalizing our registration with the CRNBC. To quote the CRNBC letter: 

"In order to finalize your registered nurse registration with the College of Registered Nurses of British Columbia (CRNBC), you must provide a satisfactory reference from a Canadian employer for whom you worked at least 250 hours while holding provisional registration."

During the 2nd semester of GNIE, some of my classmates discussed about joining/infiltrating the CRNBC and the nurses' union to eventually fight against the (IMHO) discriminatory 250 hours requirement for GNIE graduates. [See "changes to XYZ" in the blog post here.] Back then, all we could hope for was to survive the process "as-is", and (with luck) eventually create the change we want to see for future generations of GNIE graduates. We never thought that change would be possible for our cohort of GNIE graduates.

In fact, if not for the "reception" we received at an Open House of a certain health authority back in 27-Nov-2012, we would not have been stirred up enough to launch into advocating for ourselves. As a Chinese saying goes, “塞翁失马 焉知非福”。 ["A blessing in disguise and vice versa."]

We first heard rumours about a change in policy on Wednesday 20-Mar-2013. On Thursday, some of us called up CRNBC for a verbal confirmation of the rumours. On Friday 22-Mar-2013, many of us received an email from CRNBC stating the following.

"There has been a change to our registration requirements which affects you." [... snip ...] 

"1. You are now eligible for practising OR non-practising registration." 

"2. You do NOT need to have an employer send CRNBC a reference after 250 (hours) of practice."

You can imagine the waves of celebratory joy going around amongst us. We were standing on the shoulders of giants. The change in policy, and thus the course of history for GNIE graduates, is made possible with the support of some very important people and organizations. 

• BCNU (B.C. Nurses' Union) and its various members and committees, 
• KPU (Kwantlen Polytechnic University), especially the GNIE staff,  
• MLA Mike Farnworth (B.C. province NDP politician), and last but not least, 
• CRNBC (College of Registered Nurses of British Columbia) and its board member(s) and its "committee working on the IEN requirements".

Thank you all for recognizing the discrimination we faced as GNIE graduates and changing the unjust situation.

[29-Mar-2013 Update: Click here for the full impact of the change in CRNBC policy.]

GNIE: CRNE Results

I think that some readers may like to know the performance of Kwantlen's GNIE graduates when it comes to the all important "every Canadian Registered Nurse must pass" CRNE (excluding Quebec which has its own RN exam). I am happy to report the statistics for my GNIE cohort.

[Update 15-Mar-2013 02:15] But first, a RETRACTION, DECLARATION AND DISCLAIMER: Please note that correlation does not equate causation. I apologize that I had previously used the words "value-add" and "R.O.I." on a whim. Please note that I do not have any proof of causation. Given such consideration, I retract my use of the above words with regards to this situation. The following is my personal opinion. I am not an Admissions Officer or in any way qualified to give "CRNE candidates advice" and thus any content from me shall be construed as a sharing of personal opinion, not advice. I do not guarantee the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information provided by me. Under no circumstances will I or anyone related to this content be responsible for any loss or damage resulting from any reliance on the information or other content posted or linked by me.

Let's start with statistics from the Canadian Nurses Association. Based on the June 2012 CRNE Bulletin, the passing rate for the "first CRNE attempt" by Internationally Educated Nurses (IENs) range from 46.34% to 56.26% in 2011. 

[Aside: The "2011 CRNE results" analysis is the most recent statistic available at the moment. When we saw those statistics while we were revising for the CRNE, many of us were really worried.]

[Source: CNA CRNE Bulletin June 2012]

And now for the statistics from my GNIE cohort of 30* who attempted the CRNE for our first time. As at the end-of-day on 19-Mar-2013 15-Mar-2013 14-Mar-2013:

• Passed: 26 = 86.66% 25 = 83.33% 22 = 73.33%
• Failed: 4 = 13.33%
• Awaiting results: 0 = 0% 1 = 3.33% 4 = 13.33%

Given the above passing rate (86.66% 83.33% around 70% for GNIE-trained IENs compared to the 2011's data of around 50% for IENs in general), I would say that the CRNE results amongst my cohort of GNIE graduates seems pretty good. [Update on 19-Mar-2013] In fact, we have reached the passing rates of the Canadian-educated nurses.

I spoke with one of my classmates who failed. He is taking it well. As per his sharing on his circumstances, he did not finish about 20 questions which is a significant 10% of the paper (i.e. 200 questions in total). He explained that he took a toilet break during the exam which costed him much time. Suggestions for future CRNE candidates to note: time management and bladder/bowel control.

[Update on 15-Mar-2013] Still waiting for the final person's result.

We are hoping for the best for the 4 who are still waiting for their results. I have confidence in some of them, especially IT who is my "academic twin" (because we kept getting the same grades during the 1st two GNIE semesters).

[Update on 19-Mar-2013] A note to those who took their exams in B.C. : According to an announcement made by an invigilator at the CRNE exam hall, everyone should get his/her result within 6 weeks after the exam. Those who have not received their 06-Feb-2013 CRNE results by the end of today (Tuesday 19-Mar-2013) should check with CRNBC.

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*Note: We started off with 35 GNIE students.

• 2 had to repeat their 2nd semester. 
• 2 GNIE graduates had outstanding English language requirement to fulfill and thus could not sit for the Feb-2013 CRNE.
• 1 GNIE graduate decided not to sit for the Feb-2013 CRNE for personal reasons.

Thus, there were 30 of us who had our first attempt at the CRNE on 06-Feb-2013.

[Addendum on 14-Jul-2013: Please click here for the 2nd-cut update.]