Destiny

When I informed my friends that I was getting married, several friends remarked, "It's your destiny to be in Canada."

My friends meant well, of course. Destiny is an interesting concept indeed.

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Almost 20 years ago (mid 1990's), I had a simple fortune telling session in Hong Kong. I was told that my life had been and would be pretty tough, until I hit middle-age.

Then around 10 years ago (mid 2000's), I got around to learning about psychic practice, similar to those practised at the Berkeley Psychic Institute. For a while, I dappled in the paranormal. [Aside: In supporting an associate's paranormal business, I was interviewed by an expat-magazine and had my "15-sec of fame" on TV in Singapore.]

In 2006 after a traumatic event, I decided to change my name for better luck. Fortunately, I talked with a Feng Shui master friend of mine. He advised me to keep my original name as it is a lucky name. I asked him about the Hong Kong fortune teller's reading. His reply was, "You practice meditation and you know how to do paranormal stuff. So you know very well that you can modify your future."

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Around 7 years ago, just before I start my nursing training in Singapore, a friend did a BaZi [生辰八字] and related Chinese fortune-telling calculations for me. She said, "Your life will be tough until age 52."

So I asked, "When can I change my career successfully?"

She replied, "Age 52."

"But I am already going into nursing..."

Friend replied, "Then you will change your career again at 52."

I asked, "Oh, I see. I'm not surprised, I have too many interests that I would like to pursue. How about migrating out of Singapore?"

She replied, "52."

"Getting married?"

"52."

I mused, "So everything also must wait until 52?"

Friend replied, "Yes, 52 is a turning point in your life. Oh, by the way, try not to drive before that age. You're very accident prone."

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My friend is right about the accident prone bit. E.g. I had a lucky escape from death last June (2013).

[18-Jun-2013, Richmond, B.C., Canada]

I was strolling slowly along a pedestrian walkway while deep in thoughts. I was heading towards the traffic crossing seen in the photo above. I mentally berated myself for missing the "CROSS" signal ("white man walking" light) by a few metres, and then returned to my thoughts. 

Suddenly, I heard a series of loud bangs. I looked around and saw a badly damaged white car spinning in the middle of the road junction. Apparently, another car had hit the white car so badly that it (the white car) spun round-and-round, past the pedestrian crossing to hit other cars waiting at the red light. As you can see from the photo above, the impact was so great that one of the cars swung 180-degrees (i.e. the one with the tire on its hatchback). Imagine if I had walked fast enough to be crossing the road at that instance (where the 2 persons were standing on the road in the photo above) -- habis! [i.e. Finished!]

It's not my first brush with Death. E.g. My 2009 pneumonia episode. I guess Destiny wanted me to stay alive.

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Last summer (August 2013), a psychic I met told me that someone had deliberately cast a hex on me. Indeed I was having such a bad time at work back then that I sometimes secretly wished that I was the palliative one, not my youthful client(s). You see, I was not afraid of death, but the pain/torture that sometimes came with being alive. [Aside: I hope that when Death eventually visits, he would deliver me swiftly.]

Anyway, long story short. 破财消灾。 [Pay the price to ward-off disaster.] After all, I had not been meditating consistently for a long time so I knew that I needed help to deal with this biggie. I know some would call me silly for "wasting money on superstitious stuff". But if you've walked in the shoes of my rather curious life, you may have second thoughts.

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So the tally.

• Changed career - checked. I'm not making tons of money, or even regular income, but I'll live.
• Emigrating from Singapore - checked. Still adjusting to my host country.
• Get married - checked. Still happily married, still in the honeymoon phase.
• Accident prone - checked. Lucky to be alive.

[08-Mar-2014, Husband-brand Happy Brunch]

Have I changed my destiny or otherwise? I don't know. When I told DD about the "52" fortune, he puts it as, "You've just shifted your destiny earlier by X years."

[Note: DD is a skeptic, but he has learned to humour me and not criticize my beliefs. Such is love that moves a man.]

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Just sharing my story. May it bring hope to those who are trying to change their destiny.

Death, illness, recovery

It has been a strange start to this Chinese Lunar New Year -- Year of the Yang Wood Horse. 

Someone passed away sooner than expected. 

My good friend PN is down with pneumonia. As she shared, at one point it felt as if she was dying. I know that feeling from experience. Thankfully, she is recovering.

Today, I just learned that another (young) local friend has been admitted into ICU for some days now. He had a cardiac arrest (Code Blue) and a couple of other issues.

I wonder if the universe is trying to send me a message. If so, I hope the message is simply, "You're getting older."

Bang, bang!

Yesterday (Saturday), a group of friends stayed behind to chat after helping a couple to move to their "new" home.

It is generally considered a happy milestone for Asian immigrants to "own" (i.e. pay mortgage) for the roof over our heads. For around half-a-million, it was a nice 2-storied duplex with (IMHO) enough living space for 2 families.

Somewhere along the way, we talked about the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". ZS the neurologist amongst us had always been interested in memory -- how it functioned and how it was stored -- which lead him to specialize in neurology, albeit his current research is not related to the memory functions of the brain.

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Anyway, combined with Friday's indoor shooting session, it made me think about the current assumptions on childhood amnesia and how it may possibly lead to under-treatment of childhood PTSD.

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For decades, I have had a recurring dream whereby I was with my older sister (as toddlers) and an adult (possibly an aunt). For some reason, we were squatting in a small alcove created by the concrete sides of the letterbox-mount and metre-tall concrete fully-covered banister and balusters*. In the dream, there was a sense that we were hiding from "bad people" ［坏人］ who would make use of us toddlers in their evil plots if we were found. After waiting for a while, my aunt decided to check if her friend who lives a unit away was home, as my grandparents' unit was too far down the block. My aunt cautioned us to remain in our hideout and await for her return. My sister said something to me about keeping quiet, and I responded that I understood by making a gun (thumbs up, index finger pointing straight, with other fingers bent) with my hand and mouthed-silently, "Bang, bang!"

[2013 photo of Blk 178 and 177 Toa Payoh Central

Photo from SRX Online - PropNex listing]

*Those who have passed through the "tunnels" (painted with orange strips in the photo above) of Toa Payoh Central apartment blocks would probably understand what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I would wake up at this point in the dream with my heart thumping quickly. Sometimes I would continue to dream on and the "next episode" in the dream would appear. We were now in a "friend's home", i.e. a 2nd or 3rd floor unit of that apartment block. The adults were awaiting anxiously for news that "all's clear". In order to hide their fear and to calm the children down, the adults plied us with yummy sweet warm drinks and a choice delicious cookies. [IIRC, the drinks were Milo, Ovaltine or Horlicks and the cookies were the delicious Kjeldsens Danish butter cookies.] The adults did not even dared to open the windows for fear of attracting the attention of the "bad people" ［坏人］ and/or stray bullets flying through the window. We kids were also told to stay away from the windows and the door. Eventually, "all's clear" was declared and everyone seemed relieved -- everyone except me. While my heart was no longer thumping, the fear just did not go away.

"It's just a dream", I would coax myself upon waking up, "Everyone gets nightmares of being chased by bad people sometimes."

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One interesting thing that I noticed (as a child) one Chinese New Year was that I had suddenly grown frightened by the loud thumping of the drums during the Lion Dance performances. I have vague memories of previously enjoying those festive performances, so I could not understand that new found fear. In fact, even other loud and sudden "bangs" like the bursting of balloons would make me jump.  I concluded that, too bad, I just grew up to be a Scaredy Cat and tried my best to hide my fears, especially in social settings to avoid being teased.

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One day in 2006 after I got my driver's licence, I was speaking with my older sister on a long-distance call. I remarked how nice it was that, "Now that I have a driver's licence, I no longer have the dream* whereby I was chased by bad people and I found a car (escape vehicle) but I could not use it because I did not know how to drive."

[*Note: That is another recurring dream that I had.]

My elder sister went, "Oh, we were ever running away from robbers before."

I was totally surprised, "Is that so?"

My sister replied in affirmative. We were toddlers strolling around with our aunt at Toa Payoh "New Town" -- at that time it was a newly built satellite-town, when suddenly there was a robbery at a goldsmith shop nearby. Our aunt took us through a "staircase tunnel", crossed the carpark to hide in a "staircase tunnel" of the opposite apartment block. She followed with, "You even made a gun with your fingers and mouthed 'Bang, bang!' Don't you remember?"

I replied hesitantly, "No... Yes... I thought it was just a dream."

But then, my sister proceeded to tell me pretty much the contents of my recurring dream (see above). 

So I went to the public library and researched the newspaper archives. There were 2 goldsmith robbery in the early days of Toa Payoh New Town. [See appendix below.] Based on the dates given, I was only around 2 years-old when the events happened, yet the memories were seared into my brain and returned to me via my subconscious mind (i.e. in my dream state) through the decades. Up until our fateful conversation in year 2006, no one in my family mentioned about that scary event in my young life. Thanks to my older sister for solving this mystery, I no longer have that recurring dream anymore since.

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[APPENDIX A] 

22-Jun-1972 The Straits Times

$10,000 GEMS SNATCH

Five armed men took only 3 minutes to grab $10K worth of jewellery from a goldsmith's shop in Toa Payoh Central this afternoon.

The robbers, 4 armed with parangs and one with an axe, walked into Ban Loong Goldsmiths in Blk 185 shortly after 3:30pm.

They herded 3 sisters of the owner and a male employee to the side of the shop and warned them not to make any noise.

While 4 of the men stood guard over them, the 5th with the axe smashed the showcases.

They were scooping jewellery into a paperbag, when the owner Mr Chia Kia Gin, 28, who heard the commotion from the rear, pressed the alarm bell.

The robbers panicked, ran out and escapted in a green car pared at the rear of the shop with a 6th man at the wheels.

Later tonight, police said they were uncertain whether the car was a Morris or Austin 1100. Its number plate was SK 8122. They appealed to those seeing a car with the number plate to contact them.

Mr Chia said he was at the rear when he heard the noise of smashing glass.

"I peeped out and saw the robbers holding up my sisters and employee."

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[APPENDIX B] 

05-Oct-1972 The Straits Times

$200,000 double by gangs

- Gerry de Silva, N.G. Kutty

Goldsmith shop and a factory robbed

Armed robbers got away with nearly $200,000 in cash and jewellery in 2 hold-ups just before lunchtime yesterday.

Some 300 girl workers of Atlas Electronics Co. Ltd., a flatted factory in Lower Delta Road, stood petrified as 2 armed men robbed the firm of $70K just after 11:15am.

The money was part of a $107K payroll which had been delivered under police escort only a few minutes earlier.

An arrest

An hour later, 4 armed men strode into Fu-Heng Goldsmiths in Toa Payoh Central and escaped with jewellery worth more than $120K.

The robbers spent only 10 minutes in the shop. But they thoroughly ransacked it of all expensive jewellery.

Late last night, a police party, led by acting Deputy Supt. Sidek Ismail, arrested a gang leader in connection with the robbery. 

Escape

Robbery no. 2: 4 robbers, 2 armed with revolvers and 2 with parangs, walked into the goldsmith's shop, 30 minutes after it opened for businesss at noon.

They held up one of the 4 partners, Mr Quek Ah Heng, 42, and 3 employees and ordered them into the rear office.

While 2 of them -- one with a revolver and the other with a parang -- stood guard over them, the others opened the show cases and scooped up all the jewellery.

An off-duty policeman, Constable Donald Soh, 25, of Kandang Kerbau Division saw the 4 men getting hurriedly into a car.

Mr Soh went after them, "thinking it was a gang clash." But they escaped in a red Colt Galant.

He got into his Morris Minor and followed, but lost them in Lorong 4.

Road-blocks were set up all over Singapore but there was no trace of the getaway car.

Police were struck by the cool way the robbery was carried out. Unlike the usual smash-and-grab raids, none of the glass cases were damaged by the robbers.

Police spokesman Mr Lawerence Loh last night appealed to people who saw the Colt Gallant to report immediately to the nearest police station.

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[APPENDIX C] 

09-Dec-1972 The Straits Times

$120,000 goldsmith hold-up suspect arrested

POLICE yesterday arrested a man believed to be the mastermind of the $120,000 Fu Heng Goldsmith robbery In Toa Payoh on Oct 4. The 26-year-old leader of the five-man gang was arrested at his home In Lim Teck 800 Road, off Faya Lebar Road, ... [Note: News article truncated.]

Goodbye family nighmares?

On Sunday night / Monday morning, I had 2 "interesting" dreams involving my family members.

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Firstly, I dreamt of my mother. It was a street-side stores setting, like a "pasar malam in Singapore" except that it was daytime. She was shopping for a round-cut clear colourless semi-precious crystals/stone and I was accompanying her. The stall-holder casually took out her bag of crystals and showed it at a short distance to my mom. Mom pointed to a particular round/brillant-cut that looked really shiny like a diamond from the distant. However when the stall-holder passed that crystal into my mom's hand, it did not look as shiny as before, in fact it looked a little clouded on one-side, covering half the table surface. Mom seems disappointed but she did not want to admit it verbally. Thus, I told her, "Let's think about it. I can buy you another one from elsewhere."

The above dream is very interesting to me. Not because I am interested in sparkly diamonds -- the only diamond that I currently have is from an old flame. The above is very interesting to me because it marks the first time in years that my dreams featuring my mother is not a nightmare. Click here and here (see my comments on StorytellERdoc's blog) for examples. In fact, I cannot even recall the last time my mother appeared in a dream that did not turn into a nightmare. As far as I can recall, "a dream with mother = a nightmares" has been the case even before coming to Canada in 2010.

Is the dream a sign of things to come? I don't know. Still, one less nightmare is a good thing, I guess.

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Secondly, I dreamt of my 2 sisters. We were physically adults in the dream but behaving like children. We were all in our shared bedroom at my parents' home. There was a pile of masak-masak (children's toys) on the floor. Some of these were toys of miniature food items, except that in the dream these miniatures were edible. I was sorting through the toys, putting the food items aside, and eating/trying some of them (including some miniature sushi). My elder sister was sorting through the toys with me too, except that she did not eat any of the stuff. 

Then my younger sister entered the room, having just returned from her latest tour. She passed us a plastic bag of more miniature food items toys (souvenirs from her trip). Then she told us that she was too tired to join us and slept on the bed instead. I opened the plastic bag and took out what looked like individually-packed chocolate-like snacks and tried one. I found it delicious. Thus I quickly opened another one, pushed it in front of my elder sister's face and insisted that she tried it, telling her that, "It is delicious, too good to be missed". My elder sister hesitated initially, but then popped it into her mouth after my insistence. Somehow my younger sister was awake (on the bed) and saw us sharing, enjoying and complimenting about her snacks, and she grinned happily.

It is nice to feel the warmth of sisterly love, even though it is just a dream and that in reality we are really miles and miles apart (halfway round the world).

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All the same, happily those dreams were pleasant and I did not wake DD up from his sleep this time round.

The devil and 2 brothers

I had a nightmare last weekend. Because I hardly get nightmares (unless I am specifically stressed and/or have watched a horror movie or related stuff), I pay attention when I get them.

In the dream, my 2 brothers and I were doing something together. Then they asked me to do a separate task for them while they continued on. While I was doing the separate task, a devil appeared -- telling me that I would not be able to do/finish my task. I tried calling out to my 2 brothers who were waiting for me at a short distance away -- to tell them that I cannot get back to them within their expected timeframe. But the devil smiled and laughed at my "lost voice" and unsuccessful attempts to get my brothers' attention. Finally, I choked and shouted the common "first name" of my 2 brothers.

I woke up upon hearing my own voice calling out the common "first name" of my 2 brothers. My boyfriend DD asked with concern, "Are you having a nightmare?" 

I replied, "Ya, I'm sorry to wake you up." 

He asked if I was alright. I told him yes and kissed him. He hugged me to back to sleep. 

I know what my dream was about -- its symbolism just cannot escape me. [Click here and here for hints.] For me, dreams are a communication -- to help process the past, solve current issues or to prepare for future possibilities; and/or a warning; and/or a sign/encouragement. I've had all of these before.

E.g. A PTSD dream where something that happened in my childhood was repressed and forgotten, only to burrow its way into consciousness through a re-current (over the years) nightmare. It was only decades later when chatting with my elder sister about our childhood that I found out about the event which explained the recurrent nightmare and banished it to its grave. Maybe I'll share about it someday.

[Click here for more links about dreams; and what another Singapore blogger -- a new immigrant to Australia -- has to share about how her past in Singapore re-appears in her dreams.]

On forgiveness

After a long absence*, I have a "calling" to do a psychic healing again. Along the process I started healing myself simultaneously. I will not elaborate on the actual healing done, but I will share some thoughts that came to mind.

Although I am not a Christian, I love something about the "Our Father" prayer since I came across it as a child. Especially the part where it goes, 

"... forgive us our trespasses, 

as we forgive those who trespass against us. 

And lead us not into temptation, 

but deliver us from evil. ..."

The essence of forgiveness. Many talk about it. Many claim they believe it. Many claim they practice it. Indeed, many do practice it to some degree. However, few are able to practice it widely. The few Christians who do so, whom I come across personally in my life, I have always admired deeply.

I shall close with 2 songs. Songs which speak of certain life philosophies that help us to release the emotional baggages that we inevitably pick-up in life.

峰迴路轉 -- 劉德華
["Turning point" by Andy Lau]

笑看風雲 -- 鄭少秋
["Laughing at Life's Fortunes" by Adam Cheng]


Have a good day!

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*p.s. : Okay, maybe not "that long" an absence. That said, for the previous healing that I did, I only sought "psychic permission" to heal as the person was at that time not even well enough to give me permission physically (e.g. verbally or through body language). As such, I only healed up-to the point where he no longer hung between life and death.

A love story - Part 7

Writing about my life brings up an interesting observation about the way memory works. It is not sequential. Often what is remembered vividly are stuff that carry strong emotional links. From there, related memories slowly trickle back.

So yes, I missed out on something that chronologically speaking should belong to Part 6. I will share it here instead.

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Part 7 - Mr SMS intervenes

Some background information: This is the same Mr SMS whom I mentioned on LIFT's blog entry "Jessica's story". First off, let's drop off the honorific and call him SMS. We call each other by first name. Despite the differences in our background, I consider SMS my peer -- i.e. my equal. I got to know SMS through my 2nd job, he was based in Europe, working with the vendor managing/monitoring networks, while I was based in Singapore as the second-level regional technical support. Whenever there is a issue with a bank (our clients) in Singapore (and sometimes in the region), I would get a page from SMS or his colleagues to attend to the issue. [Yeah, those were the days when paging was commonplace, only big bosses like Directors or Chief-whatever-Officer would carry mobile phones.]

In late 1990's, after my final work-trip to Hong Kong, not long after his marriage, AL came to Singapore on a short work-trip. He contacted me and we met up for dinner after work. As before when we were office buddies, we had so much to share and talk about that we continued on past midnight without realizing the elapsed time (I think it was around 1+am). Then AL suggested that I stay over at his hotel room -- we were chatting over drinks at one of the hotel's restaurants -- instead of heading home.

When we got to his hotel room, we started were kissing and caressing each other, but this time AL paused and did not undress either of us. I was disappointed, things have changed, we could not go on as before. Thus, I went out to the balcony to have a breath of air, to break away from his presence for a while to cool down. I sat on the balcony looking down at the tiny cars running around in the night below -- that's how I take my mind off things; don't think, just switch to "observation" mode. AL watched over me from inside the room. After a while, he repeatedly persuaded me to get away from the cold night air and return to the room. He even came to the balcony to get me. I thought (and still think) that he was worried that I would jump -- and what an awful mess that would be. Anyway, I suggested that perhaps I should call for a taxi and head home, but AL persuaded me to stay for the night. We slept on the double bed. Nothing happened between us.

The next day was a weekend. I was about to leave for home when suddenly AL decided to make out again. Given my disappointment the night before, I resisted somewhat initially, but he was determined. His eyes betrayed his desire as he kissed and caressed me with fervour. Then I thought, "This might be the last time that we ever meet, so what the heck, let's go all the way." I proceeded to take off his top and he took off mine. We were about to proceed further when suddenly my work pager beeped.

I put on my clothes, checked with AL, and returned the page by calling the network monitoring centre. SMS was on-duty. Instead of coming straight to the point about what was to be done, SMS chatted with me over nothing of consequence -- about his growing up experiences, his swimming abilities and medals, etc. I found it awkward to interrupt him or to hang up since he sounded so happy and excited reminiscing his experiences, so I listened for about 5-10 minutes before asking, "So SMS, why did you page me? Is there a problem at any bank?"

SMS replied negative, he just called to chat. At which point, I told him abruptly, "I have to go, I have something to attend to" and hung up.

I turned my attention back to AL. He was fully dressed again. He had changed his mind.

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Years later, when SMS and I were dating, I asked him about that page and phone call. Why did he page me out of the blue? SMS told me that he was bored as he was the only one on-duty for that graveyard shift. He decided to chat with someone in Asia (since it was daytime in Asia) and our international calls were toll-free given the company's leased line subscription. There were 2 persons from Asia that SMS especially enjoyed chatting with -- I was one, and the other was a lady at the Call Centre Help-desk (i.e. 1st-level support). Since the Help-desk was not working on a weekend, whereas the 2nd-level support was on-call 24x7, he decided to page me for a chat.

A love story - Part 3

Do you ever have vivid premonitory dreams that subsequently happen in your real life?

I do. I cannot remember when I first started having them, but I remember clearly that I had them during Secondary school when I was struggling to cope with life. That said, my vivid dreams often seem rather ridiculous when I dreamt of them, until the context upon which they happen appear in my life. One such dream I had in my early 20's was this.

I was in a couch with someone (I cannot see his face nor hear his voice). It was someone that I loved. We were sitting on the couch watching TV, at a mutual friend's home. Then we started making out on that couch!

If you read my comments on LIFT's "Adult Season Part 5: Jessica's story", you will note that I considered myself the Sensibility (Elinor Dashwood) part of "Sense and Sensibility" when it comes to love. Making out on a mutual friend's couch was socially unacceptable from my sensibility perspective and so I laughed the dream away, albeit I remembered it clearly because of its vividness and weirdness.

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Part 3 - 牵红线 [Red string of fate]

AL and I was at the doorstep of our friend WY's rented apartment (and soon-to-be home) near Fo Tan, at Sha Tin, Hong Kong. AL was surprised that WY had left the entire apartment to me, so I would be all alone in Hong Kong that night and he wondered about my safety. Afterall, Fo Tan (Sha Tin) was considered an outskirt back in the mid-1990's. Before he left, he asked to use the toilet. While he was in the toilet, I got myself some water. When AL came out, I offered him some water. He took the glass, turned on the TV and sat down to drink the water.

We both sat on the couch and watched TV together for a while. Then AL stretched his left arm back on the couch, just above where my shoulders were. Slowly that arm fell down to touch my shoulders and lower. I let him do that. At one point, I turned to speak to him, only to find him facing me -- his lips only centi-meters away from mine. He leaned forward to give me a rather chaste kiss on my lips. Then he apologized for his impulsive behaviour. I told him that he didn't have to say sorry. Then he progressed to kiss me further and we started making out, while the TV was playing in the background.

Something strange happened to me at that point. It was like I was both in my body and popped out of my body, floating just above us. I was simultaneously having dual perspectives of what happened. The TV playing in the background, the friend's couch, the man I love -- it all felt like my vivid premonitory dream. Did it that mean that AL was "the one for life" for me? And thus I felt that it was alright to let things happen.

We did not go very far, mainly because AL was a gentlemen. To be honest, I enjoyed his kisses, caresses and humping. I also enjoyed giving him pleasure because I cared about him deeply. He dry humped me until he came. Once again, he apologized but I caressed the crotch of his culottes and kissed him gently to reassure him that I was alright with it.

AL stayed over that night. He slept on the couch while I returned to bed. Anyway, the next day he went home because he had a family gathering to attend.

My teen visit to an evangelical church

I read with interest what Lucky Tan and LIFT wrote about Christian church recruiting new blood via school children. I am not surprised because I was aware of it happening, even back in the 1980's when I was attending a branded secondary school in town. I think that if they read about my first experience as a teen visiting an evangelical church, they may be appalled by the tactics used by these "fishermen of souls". Note: It has been more than 20 years now, so my memory is not 100% accurate, so please forgive the parts where I honestly don't remember.

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I was in Secondary 2 or 3 (14 or 15 years old) at that time and a member of a squad of 20+ NPCC girls from my cohort. 2 of my squad mates had joined a Christian church located at a short bus ride from our school -- a Pentecostal church in particular, which was not deemed part of mainstream Christianity at that time in Singapore.

Note #1: At that time, mainstream Christians refers to Anglicans, Methodists, and similar groups, with Catholics being seen as a separate class on its own.

Note #2: I don't know if that Pentecostal church that I attended is in anyway related to any of the existing Pentecostal churches in Singapore. Anyway, whatever I experienced was in the past, more than 2 decades ago, so please don't anyhow slime the current churches or their followers, okay?

Before long, a 3rd squad mate was their new and fervent convert. Soon my 3rd squad mate and another of them invited me to visit their church. I was curious as to why my 3rd squad mate was such a fervent convert and am generally open to exploring new stuff, so I agreed to visit their church. Besides, IMHO, their enthusiasm in "saving more souls" was affecting the squad unity and causing unease to others in the squad.

Now what my friends didn't know was that while I was (and am still) not a Christian, I know the bible stories pretty well. As a child, I had a Christian aunt who gave my family 2 children's bible story books, covering the Old Testament (i.e. the Jewish Torah) and the New Testament (i.e. the conception, life, crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ). For a long time, those were 2 of the only 3 story books my family had, so I read and re-read the books many times over. Thus, I was (and am) not some "ignorant/stupid idol worshippers" as some Christians like to label the Taoists and Buddhists during their worship sessions.

Upon arrival at the church, everyone seemed so happy to meet me and welcomed fresh faces. They started the worship with singing songs (accompanied by guitar, keyboard or piano, I cannot recall) and standing up doing simple dance-like movements (like in line-dancing). By then, a few of the church members started rattling off in tongue. Then the "good news" sermon started, i.e. repent and convert because the only way to salvation was through Christ. Then came the (IMHO, church branding) sermon which preached that their church was unique in its worship approach that appealed to the youths, and that other churches were old and staid and not carrying out Jesus' mission of spreading the faith by not changing with the times. Then came the "do not be swayed by other churches calling us a cult" pep talk, because -- according to the speaker(s) -- the others were jealous of the church's energy. In fact, they claimed that a proof of the church's energy and the Holy Spirit's presence was that their members were able to speak in tongue (glossolalia). Then they invited members to share their testimonies. Whenever a teenager shared about his/her challenge at home with parents who opposed the teen's church involvement, the members would rally support and shared that it's part of God's challenge, advised him/her to remain respectful of his/her parents but do not heed the Devil's call to leave Christianity, and cited other members' long journey in successfully converting their entire families. Then the teen would reaffirm his/her conviction to the faith.

Then we broke up into small groups. My 2 friends and a "seasoned" church member formed a group with me. If I remember correctly, they sat on my left, right and opposite facing me.* Firstly, they asked if I was shocked in any way by the glossolalia and reassured me that I would get used to it. While I did not expect it, the glossolalia did not scare me. [Note: By that age, I had some paranormal experiences (which I did not share with others about), so nope, I wasn't so easily scared.] They were surprised by my negative answer and looked somewhat pleased. Then they asked if I understood the good news. Yes, I said, I know about the Jesus Christ story. Then they insisted that it wasn't just a story, we even learned about this man/god in our history textbook. Yes, I agreed that this person existed according to our history text. Then they asked if I would convert to Christianity. When I said no, they were seemed surprised. They asked me why I would want to go back to idol worship. [In my mind, I was thinking why are they so narrow-minded to insist that "not Christian = idol worship"?] Anyway, they kept pressuring me with questions, especially the "A or B" type of closed-ended questions.* They did not expect to meet up with a tenacious teenager. Finally, after spending I think around 20min, when it looked like I was getting agitated by their questioning, they asked me why I was there. I told them frankly that I was there not because I wanted to learn about Christ; I was there because I felt that their 3 church members who were my squad mates were destroying the unity of the squad by their faith outreach activities in school. Thereafter, the "seasoned" church member left my 2 friends to talk to me. I left that church shortly after, never to return again. [Note: I did visit other churches later in life for various reasons (friends' invitation, friends' wedding, as a tourist, etc), but I am still not a Christian.]

When I left, I felt bad that I was behaving like a horrible guest. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to be peer-pressured into accepting something that I knew clearly in my heart that I did not agree with. It did not matter to me, that as they claimed, to accept the faith first and then with faith, things would happen and testimonies would arise in my life. Nope, not an iota. If they had known me better, they would have known that "testimonies" already arose in my life, regardless of my faith. I did not need to subscribe to any faith in particular for miracles and/or paranormal stuff -- big or small -- to happen in my life. Neither did I believe in joining a group whose definition of itself was by thumping down others (including other Christian churches). Finally, I knew very well from a bible story that Jesus Christ's death tore a temple's veil precisely because he preached direct worship to God, he did not say anything about his followers having to choose one church over another.

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You will note that I have marked 2 asterisks above. These are the parts that irked me then, as a teenager stuck in that church discussion, which I could not figure out the reasons for my discomfort until after my brief dabbling in MLM (multi-level marketing) 2 decades later. In MLM, I learned some high-pressure sales techniques that were applied to subtly pressurize a client to go along with our "suggestions".

• One is the use of group conformity by surrounding the client with 2 or more confederates (i.e. "Yes" men). That was what happened when we broke into smaller groups with my friends and the "seasoned" church member surrounding me.
• The other is the refusal to accept an answer as it is. To repeatedly wear down the client's resistance by asking "A or B" type of closed-ended questions which paints a false dichotomy from which the client is  (mis-)led to choose.

Looking back, I wonder if my friends converted because they felt touched by faith or they fell victim to such psychological manipulation. Oh, by the way, the teens were expected to donate to the church. I am, however, not sure if the tithe was 10% or as they wish.

Age 40's, looks 20's

I was about to write something about my dates in Canada. Then I thought that I had to write a little preface to explain my situation. So this is the preface.

I am in my 40's. However, if you don't know me and have not heard of my stories, you probably would not have guessed my chronological age when you meet me in person. Amongst the people I have met in Canada, they* (see below) have guessed my age from mid-20's to early-30's, often starting with the 20's. Usually by the time I suggest that they guess a bigger number than early-30's, their eyes would open wide and their jaws would hang slack, saying, "You're joking!?!"

I put my blessing down to good genes, never smoked (except as in the slang for "sprouting bullshit" in exams, haha), am an occasional social drinker (but not to the drunk stage), take actions to remove myself from extreme stress, having a lacto-ovo vegetarian diet (since my late 20's), and avoiding weight swings (I can still fit into clothes tailor-made in my mid-20's). Some of the esoteric stuff I've done include practising Yoga Headstand occasionally, meditation, and psychic healing (including channeling of energy within oneself). I think the esoteric stuff helps too.

Yoga headstand at a Singapore Community Centre

Yup, that's me, albeit 10 years ago!

IMHO, I am not ugly, nor am I a model-style beauty. I think have my own beauty, similar to many other women that I have observed. Sometimes I receive double-takes and/or compliments from strangers passing-by while in Metro Vancouver.

The 1st time a boy hit on me was when I was 12 and sitting dazed in my primary school classroom. [Note: I don't know why but in my teens, there have been several occasions where my soul seem to leave my body, and I become totally oblivious to my surroundings, while remaining physically in the same position.] After a while, I suddenly snapped out of my dazed state. I had no idea what happened, other than finding my male classmate (also 12) kneeling in front of me, his face only a few centimetres from mine, staring at my face strangely. It was only from the resultant teasing that I gathered that my male classmate saw me "daydreaming", knelt down in front of me and started stroking my cheek. Honestly, I wasn't into BGR then, so I wasn't the least bit bothered by the matter, other than I did not like how one jealous female classmate kept raising the incident repeatedly.

Oops, I've side-tracked. *Now back to the people guessing my age in Canada. These are from various age groups, from teens to elderly retirees, both male and female, from various ethnicity - Europeans, Latinos, Middle Easterners, South Asians, East Asians, South-East Asians, Africans, Americans and Canadians (white, yellow, brown, and black). Not one have guessed my age correctly or anywhere close to it on their 1st 3 attempts.

As a side effect, I have been hit on by men from their 20's to 60's while here in Canada. And I have dated men from both ends of that age range.

10 ground rules for love

Have done a psychic reading for a friend about career and love life recently, it brought to mind a recent email to an ex-boyfriend.

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My dear X [name edited],

I don't know what to say. Please keep yourself warm and healthy, and be happy. You are a good man, we have had some nice time in the past. I hope that you will find the love that you want some day.

On turning 40, I have thought a lot about my life and my relationships. I realize that I am pretty happy alone. To have someone else brings with it hope and heartache, besides the practical inconveniences of having to adjust to another person in one's life. Thus, I decided on some ground rules.

1. He must be single* and available. No "separated", no "just broke-up", no flings.
2. He must be financially able to sustain himself. I don't need him to be rich, but I will not respect him if he needs others' charity to live-on in the long-run.
3. He must love me as I am. I am not perfect. I have my flaws. I need someone who can accept and love me as a whole.
4. He must love me enough to want to marry me. We will get married legally as soon as it is convenient. No grand weddings, they are often a source of headaches!
5. He must love children or nature. It does not matter if we have any or otherwise. It is just that I don't think much of the kindness/humanity/gratitude of a person if this person cannot bring himself/herself to love children or nature.
6. As an extension of the kindness/gratitude rule, he must care about the people related to himself and me. He does not have to agree with them or like them, but basic fellow human concern is expected.
7. He must live/work in the same city as me for a long enough period. That is, until after marriage and the relationship is strong enough to withstand the distance.
8. I must be able to trust him. He must trust me too. This takes time to build, thus the rule about living in the same city.
9. He must be able to forgive. Not necessary to forget, for we learn life lessons from our experience. But in the long run, a willingness to recall the past without anger, bitterness or heavy regret is important to being happy.
10. He must be a non-smoker. It is not just about his health. My nose cannot stand the smell of a chronic smoker's breath.

As you can see, you passed all except for rules 4 and 7. ... [Edited] Still I wish you well. I hope to see your happy face on Facebook someday. After all, we are still friends, right?

With lots of love (i.e. as friends),
[Edited: Winking Doll]

[*Addendum on Sunday 12-Aug-2012: By "single", I mean single, divorced for over 1 year or widowed.]

My guardian angels

As mentioned in my previous post, I had neither kin nor kith when I first applied to migrate to Canada. Strangely enough, along the way, at the right place and the right time, my guardian angels appear.

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First off is PN. PN and I were both sitting at the front row of chairs at the Singapore Central Police Station back in August-2009. We were clutching our Canadian High Commission letter requesting for police clearance, waiting for our ticket number to be called. Glancing to our left, right and back, there were others headed the same way. Out-of-the-blue, in an untypically Singaporean character, we started to chat. PN was methodical in her migration plans -- right down to checking the best price for the medical check-up, cheapest way to transfer funds, most cost-effective personal items shipping, best deal for air tickets, best time to land, and renewing her Singapore passport before leaving. [Note, in case you're wondering about the passport: In Canada, there was is no Singapore High Commission, Consulate, Representative Office, whatsoever. Zilch!]

[Edit on Nov 29th, 2011: Since May 12th 2011, after GE2011, Singapore appointed a Honorary Consul-General in Vancouver.]

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Then on my final month in Singapore, friends and family started passing me whatever Canadian-based contacts they had. Plus, online friends linked me to Vancouver-based contacts that could be my safety-line if needed. If any of you happened to read this, BIG THANK YOU!

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The weekend before I fly, I passed my outstanding Singapore paperwork to my younger sister LF, who helped me to follow-through. My elder sister LY gave me her 2 large luggage bags and her London winter wear. The luggage bags were great, just large enough to fit all the remaining items and gave a total weight that just met the check-in luggage limits [2 pieces of maximum 22kg each]. The winter wear is a life-saver, I am dressed in them daily.

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When the plane touched-down at Vancouver airport, the elderly Taiwanese lady, whom I sat next to and chatted with, turned around and pointed out SL who was sitting 5 seats behind me. “她也是新加玻人，也是新移民到加拿大。” ["She is also a Singaporean. She is also a new migrant to Canada."]

It turned out that SL was sitting next to and chatted with this same Taiwanese lady on the Taipei-to-Manila leg of their journey. SL and I clicked right-away. We "landed" as new Canadian immigrants on the same day, from the same plane. In the recent days, we found so many similarities in our lives, despite her years away from Singapore and her high-flying and jet-setting career. She told me that as she was traveling to Canada without kin or kith, she prayed to God for someone... and I'm her first friend in Canada!

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Thank you, my guardian angels.

Psychic nurse

I contemplated for awhile before writing this entry. The main reason is that this entry touches on a topic that elicits a wide range of responses -- from reverence, to indifference, to ridicule for lunacy. Well, I decided that my usual readers would probably have a grasp of my mental health status, so here goes.

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Prologue: Over 4 years ago

A colleague came in to work with a bad neck sprain. He was in pain but refused to see a doctor due to work exigencies.

[Note: Generally, I keep my personal life, especially my psychic practice, apart from my work life. Although there was once when another colleague Google for my name and found an article about my psychic work.]

After struggling at work for a while, my colleague was still noticeably in pain. At which point I offered, "Would you like a healing? It does not involve physical contact, but it's non-orthodox."

After some rounds of hesitant queries and answers, he agreed to let me work on his neck. At the end of the session, he asked, "What are you doing here [Note: i.e. in I.T.] when you can do that?"

To which I shrugged and smiled.

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At the start of my nursing training, I decided that I should focus on the nursing tools and skills. After all, as professionals, nurses are advised to practise evidence-based nursing. Thus, I decided to avoid using my psychic skills during the course of my nursing duties. The keyword here is "avoid", because there were times when it slips in. I shall share 2 examples below.

Example 1

There was a girl admitted for chest infection. The initial blood tests indicated only the usual infection markers. Her intake was poor and physical activities reduced as expected of her condition. Subsequently, her CXR showed significant pneumonia, but not something which we have not handled before. Typical of children adjusting to hospitalisation, the patient was refusing her medications and had to be coaxed.

What puzzled me was, while nursing her, I got a strong psychic message from her, "I don't want to live anymore, I want to leave this body." Nevertheless, wearing my "nurse's hat", I continued to give her parents hope and support.

The next day, she had several repeat and additional blood tests. Her latest blood tests indicated a sudden severe turn in her condition and she was transferred to another hospital. We heard from the consulting doctor that she passed away subsequently.

Example 2

It was my second last day at work. A CCU (Critical/Intensive Care Unit) colleague had admitted her son for bronchitis. Being a CCU trained nurse, she preferred to perform nasal suctioning for her son herself and has been doing so during the hospitalisation. Her husband was holding the boy while she suctioned. I happened to pass-by and helped to hold the boy's head. When she was done with a couple of rounds of suctioning, she asked me if her son's nose was clear.

Visually we could see that the boy's outer nares were clear. There was more mucus extracted from the left than the right nostril. I put my ear next to the boy's head to listen closer to his breathing. The boy's breathing still sounded a little blocked but I had no clue as to the left or right nostril [Note: unless the parents allowed me to experiment and closed off one nostril at a time, ha ha]. The mother asked, "Is his nose still blocked? Where?"

As I lifted my head up, I visualised by chance "blocked energy" at the patient's right inner nares. I replied, "Yes, more on the right nostril."

The mother suctioned one more round and there was thick whitish mucus extracted from the right nostril.

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p.s. If anyone outside of my circle of close/psychic friends asks me, I shall totally deny the matters written here.

Ghosted in translation

SN L and SEN MY are both from the same nation, one which borders China. SEN MY is half-Chinese and grew up near at a border village which frequently trades with travelling Chinese merchants. Thus, she speaks fluent Chinese. SN L, on the other hand, understands only a few Chinese words and has an English-speaking Indian grandfather.

One day, a patient's grandmother was speaking to SN L in Chinese. She probably thought that SN L understands Chinese based on her nationality. SN L only caught the keywords, “有很多．．．？” and “小孩” ["Are there many?" and "children"].

Thinking that the grandma was asking about the patient census, SN L replied, “很多，很多。” ["Yes, there are many."]

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The next day (day 3 of admission for the patient), the patient was for discharge. Of course, most parents are eager to bring their children home. In this case, the patient's father chased the staff several times for discharge immediately after the doctor has reviewed and approved it (while the doctor was still reviewing other patients). I thought that he was extraordinarily eager to get his pre-schooler out of the hospital.

Towards the end of the shift, SEN MY gave me the answer to my puzzle. She was tickled and eager to share her joke. It was due to what patient's grandmother told SEN MY earlier that morning.

On the 1st night of admission, the patient was fretful and refused to sleep. The next day (day 2 of admission), the patient told the grandmother about seeing "someone" under her bed, which was near the door. Thus, the parents insisted on changing to the bed nearer the window (in the 2-bedded room) when the neighbouring patient was discharged that morning. The grandmother asked SN L in Chinese if there are many ghosts in the ward and if any of the children were frightened. “這里有很多鬼嗎？小孩害怕嗎？“

As mentioned above, the meaning was lost-in-translation and thus the ward became (haunted) "ghosted"-in-translation. The patient's grandmother then expressed her concern over the ghosts to SEN MY on day 3 of admission, the morning of discharge. SEN MY had to explain that the ward is not ghosted, but the grandma remained sceptical. Thus, I think that explains the patient's father's eagerness to be discharged.

Online fortune cookie

Sometimes when I am bored or stressed and not keen on meditating, I crack an online fortune cookie. One of the more memorable ones goes,

"Always remember that people may not necessarily want to hurt you. They may be acting the best they can given that current situation in that point in time."

Pneumonia

As mentioned before, I was hospitalized at the end of March for pneumonia. A recent online article reminded me of my experience and the general state of healthcare in Singapore.

One Saturday afternoon, I was feeling dizzy and happened to test the oximetry before applying it to a patient. The oximeter indicated my SpO2 as 87% despite my deep breathing. SN LT tested it after I raised the issue to her, and her SpO2 was 98%. Although I felt dizzy, I wanted to complete my shift as the ward was very busy that day.

I must admit that for a brief period when my SpO2 was 87%, I wasn't effective at work. E.g. I was in the 4 bedded room attending to 1 patient. When I was done, another patient's NOK asked me for some items. Then the 1st patient's NOK also asked for something. Normally, I would either remember the items or write them down. I heard and understood their requests, but when I tried to write the items down on my notebook, I just couldn't think of what to write. Guess, that was the effect of short-term O2 deprivation. I turned around to ask the NOKs to repeat what they wanted. They both said something like "forget it" kindly. I don't know why. Perhaps they could see that I was struggling and I wasn't well. I was glad that they seem rather forgiving, compared to the ward staff who were working me and SN LT like slaves.

I knocked off from work late at the end of a busy shift. When I arrived home, I felt slightly feverish, drank some water, coughed with thick yellowish phlegm and rested in my room. Awhile later, the fever didn't seem to subside, thus I decided that seek treatment at a 24-hour GP clinic. Unfortunately, the 24-hour GP near my home no longer operated round-the-clock, thus I went to SGH A&E on the wee hours of a Sunday at 12+ midnight. I was having fever, cough and body ache all over. I informed the nurse at the A&E triage that I was having fever and was concerned because my oxygen levels dropped below normal earlier at work on Saturday afternoon. I also informed the A&E triage nurse that my appetite had dropped severely over the past week. From 2 bowls of porridge a day a week ago when I first felt slightly unwell, to 1/2 a piece of cake the whole of Saturday.

I was given high priority, less than 15 min wait. The SGH A&E assessment nurse took my blood pressure and oxygenation levels and they were back to normal at 12+ midnight. I was not coughing while I was at the A&E. Based on the symptoms of fever and body ache, and my information that my home was undergoing upgrading, the A&E doctor suggested a full-blood count test (FBC) as he suspected dengue. I asked for a dengue test and the doctor told me that no public hospital in Singapore offers that. The FBC results came out, the platelet count was within the normal range. I was sent home with antibiotics, lozenges, cough syrup and mouth gargle for the cough, paracetamol for the fever and MC for 3 days. The doctor focused only on the potential dengue fever, and told me to look out for bleeding under my skin (petechie). Neither the doctor nor the nurse bothered to check further on my cough. No CXR, no listening to the lungs with stethescope (auscultation). No further questions or check on my loss of appetite.

That Sunday was my day-off. I slept much of the morning, waking only for medication. That afternoon, I called my ward to inform them that I could not report for work the next day. While I was on the phone with Snr SN R, I started coughing non-stop and couldn’t get out of my bed. By evening, I managed to walk unsteadily to my kitchen. I found out that a potentially fatal complication of dengue was hypoglycemia, so I tried to drink some honeyed water. I vomited. Then I thought that perhaps honey was too strong, so I tried some plain water. I vomited the fluids on the kitchen floor and was so weak that I fell to my knees. Then I thought that perhaps I need the dextrose-saline equivalent of fluid replacement, thus I added some salt into honeyed water. It took me more than 20min to slowly sip down half a cup and I could barely retain the fluid. I sat in my room, resting, and waiting to feel better. I was still hoping that I would be well enough to continue with the SGH A&E medication.

After about an hour or 2 (at around 9+pm), I felt strong enough to walk. I debated whether to return to SGH A&E to review my condition. I decided against it since the SGH A&E doctor told me to return if I get petechie, which IMHO is a really late sign of dengue haemorrhage fever. I decided that if I could last through the night, I could visit a GP 1st thing on Monday morning for review instead. Given that I felt better after my improvised oral-rehydration drink, I went to the pharmacy to buy more oral-rehydration solutions to last me through the night. When I reached home, I opened a packet of Pedialyte ready-to-drink rehydration fluid. It took me another 20min to sip down the 62.5ml. I decided to pack my bags to be ready for hospitalization, in case my condition worsens. Once again, I sat in my room, resting, and waiting to feel better. However, this time, I found myself drifting in-and-out of consciousness and began to sense "others" around me. After an indefinite period , I drifted back to consciousness and decided to go to a hospital for my own safety. My housemates were out-of-Singapore that weekend, so no one would know if I drifted off again. While I like the peace of drifting off, I had some unfinished work to be completed, so I wasn't ready to leave my body as yet.

[30-Mar-2009 Extract of my CXR indicating LLL Pneumonia]

[15-May-2009 Extract of my CXR, for comparison]

Around midnight of the Monday morning, I arrived by taxi to my private hospital's A&E because I knew that they offered dengue tests there. I was put into the A&E isolated observation room due to my fever. The A&E triage nurse noted down my medical issues. Later, the private hospital A&E doctor auscutated my lungs and ordered for an immediate CXR, blood tests, besides my requested dengue test. Upon reviewing the CXR, the doctor told me that I need to be warded immediately. It was obvious from the CXR that I had left lower lobe pneumonia. The private hospital A&E doctor referred me to a specialist consultant. Within the hour, I was warded, given nebulizer and attended to by the referred specialist. The blood tests results followed. My week-long lost of appetite has resulted in below normal levels of potassium (2.6 mmol/L moderate hypokalemia) and sodium (133 mmol/L mild hyponatremia) in my blood and I had to be on intravenous therapy. In addition, I was also on intravenous antibiotic Avelox (moxifloxacin hydrochloride). Later in the wee hours of that morning, the dengue test report was out -- negative. All the treatment started before dawn; and by 7+ am that morning when the specialist came again for review, I was already feeling better. [Other abnormal lab results on admssion: FBC Hemoglobin 11.1g/dL, PCV 34%; Blood Differential Count Neutrophil 85%, Lymphocyte 10%; Urine Microscopy WBC 8/uL, RBC 5/uL.] The specialist gave me a capsule of nutritional supplement and reviewed my food in-take. Treatment continued. The next morning, the specialist reviewed my case and (upon my request) discharged me for a week-long recuperation at home.

The specialist consultant told me that my pneumonia did not come about suddenly, it took a period of time. Thus, I am still puzzled why the SGH A&E doctor missed it totally. I went to the public hospital to save cost. In the end, I am glad I switched to the private hospital. It may have cost my life otherwise.

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Click here for the aftermath of pneumonia.

About winking doll

Winking doll was the first doll that I had. I received it probably around age 2. It was a dark-brown skinned doll with short and tight bronze-brown curls, fixed plastic head, neck, body and legs, with movable arms at shoulder joints. The plastic face had a fixed expression of a winking right-eye and a corresponding twist of a cheeky smile.

Despite having fought for it, my initial thoughts were, "What an ugly doll! How can anyone love it?"

My doll "instantly rebuked", "If you cannot love imperfections, then how and why do you expect others to love you?"

Voila! My earliest memorable lesson on humanity and love. I grew to love the doll as my own "child". I was heartbroken when I had to surrender it at age 2 years 4 months.