Sunday, November 13, 2011

Paper roses

Today, I found myself having to shoot off a nasty email to an ex-boyfriend. The same one mentioned in "10 ground rules for love". He had been emailing me every now and then. Since August this year, his emails were more regular about twice or thrice a month. Each email is full of sweet nothings and about how much he misses me, and occasionally also about the progress of his business plan or his son's education. I usually ignore his emails, except for those where it sounded like he needed a kind word of emotional support. His most recent email however made me decide that it is time to be frank to the point of being blunt if we ever have any hope of remaining as friends.


[Firstly, his email to me a year ago, on Sunday, October 17, 2010, in response to my "10 ground rules for love".]

Subject: RE: Wish you well RE: Hi

Hi again [my name],
You have pointed it out in 10 points!

Yes, I will always love you as you are, and you are more than just a friend.

Take care, maybe one day we will live in the same city :-)?

Hugging you to a safe waking up.
[Name edited]


[Then today's Sunday, November 13, 2011 email from him.]

Subject: Great!

Hi [my name],

I hope this mail will find you well.

Great that you have "comitted" for the " Graduate Nurse Internationally Educated course ", I think that is a really great idea. You will then be able to work as a nurse world wide? In France the hospitals need more nurses but from what I hear, nurses works a lot but the pay is not very good.

Here there is still a lot of work. The different activities takes longer to concretize as thaugt (sic) but the light at the end of the tunnel seems to come nearer. Keeping you updated :-)

Take care my dear and hoping to hear from you soon.

[Name edited]


[My nasty reply to him dated Sunday, November 13, 2011.]

Subject: Re: NOT SO Great!

Hi [Name edited],

You may not have changed over the years, but I am no longer that gullible madly in love 31 year-old fool of a decade ago. It was silly of me to pretend that you would one day be sincere enough in your feelings for me to want to marry me. I am wiser now, thanks to you. Once bitten twice shy.

>Quote from your email a year ago: Take care, maybe one day we will live in the same city :-)?

If you thought that I was once again duped by your "loving" email last year which conveniently dropped the marriage criterion of the 2 remaining criteria that you do not fit, then you're wrong. I just didn't want to waste time with you on it. I was thinking that given time, you may someday accept that we can only be friends. But apparently not. Apparently you're still taking me for a fool even now, a year later. Frankly, even if you were to come to Canada right now to propose marriage, my answer would be a clear, resounding "NO". No point wasting time on a faded and jaded relationship. You've had your chance, around 8 years of it. It's gone. Over. Finito. THE END. Get it?

Good luck to your business plans. I don't care if I hear from you or otherwise. And frankly, if you're still seeking for easy love, I would rather not hear from you at all. If you want to know how to be a decent friend, take a look at all my friends' open responses to me on FB. Not one of them hides behind private messages just to massage their own ego with pretend love.

I dedicate this song to you. One day, when you're man enough to handle the real demands of a real relationship, maybe you will find true love. Meanwhile, play your games -- with other victims.
[Edit: Link to Marie Osmond's Paper Roses on YouTube, see embedded YouTube video below.]

Best Regards,
[My name]


[Addendum on November 15, 2011. His reply on Monday, November 14, 2011]

Subject: Re: NOT SO Great!

Hi [my name],

Thank you for a honest eMail. I really hope this one will find you well.
About facebook, in fact I do not know how it work and I do not want to know it either. It has nothing to do with not beeing open to you or to friends.

The rights for the utube music is not allowed in Europs so I was not able to play it.

Just so that you know it, I have never pretended that you were an easy love and I will never do. Sincerely I like you very musch and I am sure that if we lived in the same city or at least in the same country things would have worked out differently.

In any case, supposed we should live in the same city in the future, I would not pretend that I would ask you for marriage but you beeing (sic) my friend is an honor to me and I hope you will continue being my friend.

Take care and hope to hear from you soon.
[His name]


[Addendum on November 15, 2011. My 2 cents.]

Years ago, when I asked him to Skype me, he insisted that he did not know how to use Skype and that I joined MSN instead so that we could keep in contact online. Then a couple of years later, he joined Skype and "invited" me to join it -- after his siblings and extended family were on Skype. I know clearly where his "love" for me goes in the hierarchy of things. He joined Facebook before I did. For someone who was supposedly in information technology management, to be unable and unwilling to learn how to post responses on a Facebook wall says a lot about how "important" keeping in contact with that "special" person is to him.

Finally the crux of the point. You "are more than just a friend" but "I would not pretend that I would ask you for marriage", yet "I hope you will continue being my friend". Yeah, right -- "friends with benefits", I suppose. The Chinese has a saying, “换汤不换药” ["changing the soup without changing its the medicinal contents"]. Or as the Canadian TV Ad for Advertising Standards Canada (ASC) slogan goes, "Dressing it up doesn't make it true".

It is true what people say about "love is blind". The converse is also true, falling out of love makes one able to see the inconsistencies clearly. I have blocked him from emailing. If he has honourable intentions and is truly sincere, he will know what he has to do about Facebook communications. Otherwise, he is on my "KIV Culling List" of friends/acquaintances.


[Addendum on 18-Jul-2012]

I had just unblocked his email at the beginning of July thinking that it has been more than 1/2 year now, so it is likely that he had moved on and unlikely to email me. Guess what? I just received an email from him on Monday 16-Jul-2012. As I have commented on LIFT's "Adult Season Part 5: Jessica's story", I will not accept the bait for now.


  1. Hi Winking Doll,

    At first I read your 'nasty' response, wondering why would respond so strongly and negatively to a rather mild email.

    And then I recalled our late mother's relationships.
    She was a single divorced parent most of her life before the ending years, and so as her sons we had a front-seat view of the men who paraded in and out of her lives, for which we often practised discreet silence and blindness.

    Unfortunately for all affected there was a disproportionate number of 'pathetic' family men who would pop in and out of her life to profess their love for her — and then go back to raise their families into successful grown-up individuals.

    And all along our mother would then continue on her lone way.

    That disgusting legacy continues.
    One of them, particularly persistent and reminiscent of Mr SMS, did not emerge to attend her funeral wake years ago.

    Then more recently, he first emailed us surviving sons, and then linked up on Facebook.
    And then what followed was ALL about himself.

    How he lamented the failure of our late mother's second and final marriage to that Chinaman.
    How he grieved to her of her death (but never bothered to try to visit).

    How he reminisced the wonderful time they had down the years together.
    How he warned her of her last legal husband, but oh so regrettably she went on anyway.

    How he was settled in Australia by then.
    How well his grown-up children were doing, such that he had options which one he could take up citizenship via.

    It was our family tragedy, but it was his ongoing monologue.

    I would acknowledge the lingering perseverance of such men.
    And our continuing disappointment with them.

    1. Hi Alan,

      Thank you for sharing your late mother's story.

      Yes, it is disgusting how some men behave towards women (especially those whom they view as beneath them socially). I am sorry that your late mother had to go through it. That she continued her lone way instead of compromising herself and her sons happiness is testimony to her strength and resilience.

      As for that NATO (no action, talk only) Australian fella, IMHO, he is possibly one of those men with a "hero" complex. That is, he thinks that he is the only one who can give your mother what she needs/wants. My guess is that he was insulted when you mother decided to accept an alternative suitor instead of hanging on to him.

      Sometimes even seemingly good men behave incredibly self-centredly when their vested interest is threatened. I will touch on that in later instalments of "a love story". It is a long love story that runs for between 5 to 10 years, so please stay tuned.

      Cheers, WD.