Wednesday, November 03, 2010

10 ground rules for love

Have done a psychic reading for a friend about career and love life recently, it brought to mind a recent email to an ex-boyfriend.


My dear X [name edited],

I don't know what to say. Please keep yourself warm and healthy, and be happy. You are a good man, we have had some nice time in the past. I hope that you will find the love that you want some day.

On turning 40, I have thought a lot about my life and my relationships. I realize that I am pretty happy alone. To have someone else brings with it hope and heartache, besides the practical inconveniences of having to adjust to another person in one's life. Thus, I decided on some ground rules.

1. He must be single* and available. No "separated", no "just broke-up", no flings.
2. He must be financially able to sustain himself. I don't need him to be rich, but I will not respect him if he needs others' charity to live-on in the long-run.
3. He must love me as I am. I am not perfect. I have my flaws. I need someone who can accept and love me as a whole.
4. He must love me enough to want to marry me. We will get married legally as soon as it is convenient. No grand weddings, they are often a source of headaches!
5. He must love children or nature. It does not matter if we have any or otherwise. It is just that I don't think much of the kindness/humanity/gratitude of a person if this person cannot bring himself/herself to love children or nature.
6. As an extension of the kindness/gratitude rule, he must care about the people related to himself and me. He does not have to agree with them or like them, but basic fellow human concern is expected.
7. He must live/work in the same city as me for a long enough period. That is, until after marriage and the relationship is strong enough to withstand the distance.
8. I must be able to trust him. He must trust me too. This takes time to build, thus the rule about living in the same city.
9. He must be able to forgive. Not necessary to forget, for we learn life lessons from our experience. But in the long run, a willingness to recall the past without anger, bitterness or heavy regret is important to being happy.
10. He must be a non-smoker. It is not just about his health. My nose cannot stand the smell of a chronic smoker's breath.

As you can see, you passed all except for rules 4 and 7. ... [Edited] Still I wish you well. I hope to see your happy face on Facebook someday. After all, we are still friends, right?

With lots of love (i.e. as friends),
[Edited: Winking Doll]

[*Addendum on Sunday 12-Aug-2012: By "single", I mean single, divorced for over 1 year or widowed.]


  1. your post melted my heart winking doll...l am thinking of you and hope and pray that things will go well for you!!

    your friend down under

  2. Thanks, Bone Collector!

    I think migration serves as a good platform to move on in whatever aspects of life that one chooses. Of course, some wise-cracks will say, "You bring your problems with you, because it's all inside out." Ha ha!

    Nevermind, just live and let live, and go-with-the-flow for now.

  3. Hi Winking Doll,

    I just followed the link to this post 2 years later.

    If I may ask/comment in response to your pointers:

    1) What about widowers, especially with children, grown-up or otherwise, in tow?

    5) A partial repeat of 1), what if as a widower he already has children of his own, whom he loves and shows it?

    I'm assuming he goes on to genuinely show he loves the children you have just as much, if both of you decide to have them.

    7) Long-term distance relationships do strain themselves, even after they're proven to withstand the separation

    Much as I'm confident of the strong bond I share with my wife and boys, I simply would not put separation stress (or drifting apart) to the test.

    But I guess that similar with you, I'm just being as cautious as possible. :-)

    Your pointers would be really beneficial for those inexperienced with long-term relationships beyond the family, including and especially the younger ones.

    Belatedly but still, I salute you.

    1. Hi Alan,

      Thanks for visiting and your comments/questions.

      I classify "widower" and "divorcee" under the "single" category. As for children in-tow (grown-up or otherwise, and be it as a widower or a divorcee), my rule of "he must love children or nature" holds, except that in this case, I would expect him to love his children. If he loves his children, that would be an advantage -- but he must not spoil them, he should be able to be firm and apply reasonable age-appropriate discipline where necessary. If he does not even love his own children, then he will be dropped off my list (why have children if you do not love them?). I cannot promise that I will love his children as much as he does, but I will try to love them as my own -- because a family is what you make of it, not just blood/genetic relationships.

      Yes, I agree with you that many people (just like me previously) underestimate the challenge of separation.

      > Your pointers would be really beneficial for those inexperienced with long-term relationships beyond the family

      Haha, I hope so, and thanks for your compliment. I also salute you for your commitment to your family.

      Cheers, WD.

    2. Hi Alan,

      Btw, Mr SMS presented himself as divorced with joint custody of his son. He has a cordial/friendly relationship with his ex-wife and loved his son. His ex-wife even hosted us for dinner at her home (their former matrimony home). It partly helped to convince me to accept Mr SMS's pursuit because IMHO how a man treats his "enemy" (e.g. an ex-spouse) is a true measure of his real "gentlemanly" ways.

      Cheers, WD.