Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Reality check on love

As mentioned in the comments on my previous blog post, I pulled up my old "10 ground rules for love" to do a reality check.

1. He must be single (or divorced or widowed) and available. No "separated", no "just broke-up", no flings. [Checked.]

2. He must be financially able to sustain himself. I don't need him to be rich, but I will not respect him if he needs others' charity to live-on in the long-run. [Checked.]

3. He must love me as I am. I am not perfect. I have my flaws. I need someone who can accept and love me as a whole. [??? No data to form a conclusion.]

4. He must love me enough to want to marry me. We will get married legally as soon as it is convenient. No grand weddings, they are often a source of headaches! [??? No data to form a conclusion.]

5. He must love children or nature. It does not matter if we have any or otherwise. It is just that I don't think much of the kindness/humanity/gratitude of a person if this person cannot bring himself/herself to love children or nature. [Checked, this guy loves nature and hiking. Can also tell lah, he is not a flabby tub.]

6. As an extension of the kindness/gratitude rule, he must care about the people related to himself and me. He does not have to agree with them or like them, but basic fellow human concern is expected. [??? Rumoured to be so. IMHO, not enough data to form a conclusion.]

7. He must live/work in the same city as me for a long enough period. That is, until after marriage and the relationship is strong enough to withstand the distance. [FAILED!!!]

8. I must be able to trust him. He must trust me too. This takes time to build, thus the rule about living in the same city. [??? No data to form a conclusion.]

9. He must be able to forgive. Not necessary to forget, for we learn life lessons from our experience. But in the long run, a willingness to recall the past without anger, bitterness or heavy regret is important to being happy. [??? No data to form a conclusion.]

10. He must be a non-smoker. It is not just about his health. My nose cannot stand the smell of a chronic smoker's breath. [Checked.]

CONCLUSION: Don't put any eggs into that basket for now. Failed critical item number 7.


Then I decided to parse through the Master of Negativity (i.e. asingaporeanson) test as well.

1) List down 10 flaws about him (in your eyes)
2) Arrange them by order
3) Look at the top 5 flaws 
4) If you can't do 1), you don't know him well enough
5) If you managed to do 3) ask yourself if you can live with them.
6) If the answer to 5) is yes, go ahead and fuck. 
7) and blog it.

At step 1, I got stuck at flaw number 3!

CONCLUSION: "you don't know him well enough"


Ok, back to being happily single. Yeah!


  1. I believe you're doing fine, Winking Doll.
    At the same time, please allow me the following little essay.

    Beware the emotions coming in to override the well-planned strategy of logic (like some kind of cavalry to the dubious 'rescue').

    For example, people think they buy logically, but they actually respond emotionally to what they want, and then rationalise to justify purchases.

    As I get older, I've learnt to respect more and more my feelings, which I callously disregarded when younger.
    I don't mean give in to one's worst emotions, or fear one's strong negativity.

    I do mean listening carefully to what even unpleasant emotions are telling me, and shaping my actions to balance the whole fine stew of feelings in me.
    Otherwise I've suppressed too many critical and often negative emotions too often in my younger life… and then things go wrong as they bite back at me ferociously.

    But now, when I give all my feelings a place in the mind council for discussion, they reward me with more wisdom and good sense, and better intuition.
    For that, I'm grateful. :-)

  2. Hi winking doll! I was shocked with master of negativity's conclusions or advice on looking at all the worst case scenarios! I think focussing on flaws is a terrible way of approaching either people (whether or not potential or actual mate) or even life !

    I actually agree with your ground rules, and it that's what u need to maintain your equiminity or balance so be it. But don't ever hesitate to take a chance on love if it comes your way......for example if after a marathon session of chatting by Internet one of u wishes to drive or fly the dunno how many hundred miles to see each other, go with it!!! But if the marathon session of chatting never happens, so be it too! We Singaporeans always want to know what is going to happen in the story of our lives but sometimes that prevents things happening to us. Be open to 'things' happening but safe and happy in the knowledge that u can always b happily single!

    God bless!

  3. Hi winking doll, have been reading again other's comments on your previous post, what's aBGR? And please note that master of negativity's checklist is to help u decide on whether to f#*k someone or not, not whether someone is a 'keeper''or not!!!

    Since u do not enjoy the 'frisson' my advice would b to just throw yourself into your usual life and the opportunities it presents u! ( at your school, hiking, whatever!) Use the energy as a sort of kick or source of sparkles to get your day going or enjoy even the mundane things in your daily life. Something may happen with the interesting guy u met, but also my past experience has been that in this heightened state of being maybe just in love with life itself, of the energy u give out or whatever, all sorts of stuff happens, n u meet all other sorts of interesting people, not just 'interesting guy'!!!

    1. Hi LSH,

      Thanks for visiting and sharing your thoughts once again.

      > ground rules ... what u need to maintain your equiminity or balance

      Yeah, you've read me right -- I drew them up because I recognized that I tend to throw logic into the wind when the heartstrings are pulled, so I needed something to "ground" me.

      > We Singaporeans always want to know what is going to happen in the story of our lives but sometimes that prevents things happening to us.

      Your observation is true of me. That is partly why it took me so long to finally emigrate, even though friends and other seniors have long advised/suggested that I emigrate (like 2 decades ago).

      As for the Master of Negativity's checklist, haha! Actually it was done in the spirit of fun. A BGR is a boy-girl-relationship. IMHO, a f**ker may or may NOT be a 'keeper', but a 'keeper' has to be fuckable (for my personal needs). That said, don't need to be yandao 眼捣 [handsome] to be fuckable lah, just need to be shunyan 顺眼 ["easy on the eyes"]. Anyway, I tend to be overly optimistic, so a pinch of negativity is good to help balance things out.

      True, true, my dislike of the 'frisson' meant that my past significant BGRs entered my life while I was just getting on with my usual life -- i.e. the guys who pursued me were long-time friends where trust had already been built. I don't fancy dating (thanks in-part to funny stories from SDU days), so I push myself to think of it as meeting a new friend (who happens to be male) instead. Otherwise I think I would probably be happily spending time in solitude or with existing friends.

      Haha, so I guess I am more or less on the track that you suggested. Thanks for sharing your opinions and concern. :)

      Cheers, WD.

  4. I have eyes for only farmer, cute, rich, sensitive, manly with only 5% body fat.


    1. Hi D,

      Try asking this guy if he has any friends to recommend. :P

      Cheers, WD.